Then Jesus said to his disciples, 'In truth I tell you, it is hard for someone rich
to enter the kingdom of Heaven.' --Matthew 19:23
I'm beginning to feel as though it doesn't really ever go away. I talked with Nik last night about forgiveness for those who I feel have been hurtful, and spiteful in the past year. I know I have a part in any engagement, and this morning while listening to the radio I heard a story about snares and traps from the broadcaster's experience the night before watching a reality show. A woman on the show had been ensnared, trapped, pulled down and held captive, waiting for her captors to appear.
The story resonated. I had experienced that feeling.
I didn't finish this entry on the day I began it. Overnight I had terrible dreams about the circumstances in which I have been trapped. Because of their ferocity, I wondered about the emotions I have attached to this experience of ensnarement. I went through, and navigate now as though I am still going through this period where I cannot get anything right. Nothing I do releases me from the trap I've entered.
With that in mind, I wondered: Whose kingdom is it anyway? Mine? Certainly not. God's? Yes, of course. I wonder how far I have strayed from the plan to find myself trapped in this way? I keep fighting to find my way out of the trap, and no matter what I do I no longer feel secure. I cannot say for sure if this is unwillingness or being unready to forgive my captors.