Getting It Right: Considering the State of the State

I did not listen to Governor Mike Pence's State of the State address earlier this week. I will likely now go back and revisit the session via recording. I received today a request from a member of my state library association to respond to a pending budget cut recommendation from the Governor's office that would remove access to a general research database known as INSPIRE. Here's what I had to say to my state senator and state representative:

As this legislative session kicks off in 2015, I have become aware that a budget proposal exists to cut the funding that provides statewide access to the resource INSPIRE. INSPIRE is a means of access to scholarly information for our public at-large, and serves not only public library constituencies but also those secondary school students and members of the voting and non-voting public who come to my institution's academic library for research assistance.

I work at the University of Notre Dame, and while we have a subscription to the same resource, because of our licensing terms, we are not able to provide access to the resource to members outside of our campus community. However, we are able to impact the successful study of students at both public and private schools who are conducting research into projects with roots in engineering and construction and historical impacts of economic events. Access to the statewide subscription to INSPIRE ensures that these students can continue their research in their classrooms or at home after the end their visit to our library.

I am happy to supply other examples that can help you make the case for preserving the budget to support this educational resource. I would ask that if [removal of reference to senator's name] you are looking for ideas on how to expend all or part of our state's budget surplus, you advocate for bolstering access to these and other educational tools, as well as providing for access to free and low cost health care for unemployed and underemployed men, women and children who are residents of the State of Indiana.

With Best regards,

I have received paper mailing surveys from both my senator and representative in the past weeks. They are, thankfully, interested in soliciting input as the legislative session has gotten under way. The survey is never worded clearly and never really seems to have enough room to respond in any given detail. This isn't the first time I've contacted the politicians who steer policy and laws to govern my life, but I'm at an age where I'm really starting to feel it.

I've been up in arms in the past few years about inconsistencies that disparage those who truly are in need. Who, for whatever reason are unable to bootstrap themselves out of hardship or poverty. Our state has little compassion when it comes to providing for these individuals. We [state leadership] are proudly hailing our budget surplus. Yet we have individuals who go without at the most fundamental needs, and who have little or no access to the services they need.

We need to identify the ways to get it right, justly and ethically so, within the State of Indiana. There is no one answer, but let's strip off the mantles of party allegiance at the state and national levels to remove the barriers to health, welfare and education that we can. No change will be overnight. It's all relative and all incremental. Yet, can we not do this?

Reaction to microaggressions - family style

While reading a blog post on Vitae today, I linked to a new word for me: microaggression. I had not heard the term before, but parsing it in the context of the blog post written to address the need to talk about hard topics, those that give us all pause or raise our hackles, I knew it was a word I needed to learn.

Rather than hitting on a definition of what a microaggression is or is not, I was presented with examples of their occurrence within higher education. The context for which this most significantly applies to my life at present is in the personal or family realm. My second day of 2015 was ripped apart in the afternoon by a call I placed to my dad. I called to let him know I'd followed through on his request from our voicemail exchange to send my brother a text message about keeping the taps on during the hard subzero temperatures we're experiencing this week (they don't call one another for various reasons).

In exchange, I got an outright, typically playful, aggression, demanding to know "Where have you been?" The concern being he wasn't sure if I was OK and all. I explained I'd called the day before and  left a message, and he had done the same in return. I was a little on edge after this, but hoped to see the conversation through.

The conversation continued to go downhill. I was (micro aggressively) berated for not telling my step-sister and her partner that dad was old. He suggested I must have told them he is old because they were treating him that way. He's 72, by the way. I asked why he thought this and he said they were treating him as though he couldn't remember things. I asked him if he had memory problems. He denied, and then I asked him if he thought he was old. I got a circuitous response and again, grew a little more on edge. He's consumed by his mortality. I can't help him, and I feel helpless.

Finally, he asked about my other brother and his new/old girlfriend/fiancee. I said I hadn't heard from them. Again, why he doesn't call his son is outside my understanding. It's always somebody else's fault. Dad moved forward and made comments about whether we were in a fight or if my brother was still in the relationship. I shut down. I admitted I didn't know. Dad asked if I'd made them mad, or the girlfriend, like I did last time they were together. I shut down completely. "Are you there?"

I feel helpless. I know what the response will be if I openly discuss why my silence is there. I know what will happen to me if I continue to be silent. I'm thankful for the open discussion of the blog author, Felicia Harris, Ph. D. candidate, regarding social problems and microaggression. I know the drill for being able to talk about my reactions to others' comments or actions. I know to make it about me and my feelings, not an attack (or perceived as such) on another's part.

What I learned from Ms. Harris' post is that when I address the problem at hand, if the person is or is not responsive and willing to talk about the matter is beyond my control. Yes, I am sure I knew this before, but it feels revolutionary and exciting at this moment.  What I learned from the comments in the microaggression blog entry is that what someone 'intended' to say doesn't matter a lick. It's the *impact* of what was said that carries. Perhaps explaining this to my dad would be helpful. Perhaps not. I will add this to my considerations as I move forward this week. Wish me well. Wish me luck. Offer a prayer. All are good currency with me.

Wrap up, and forecast

I had a down year for the most part. Activity was good across the board, but a severe depressive swing took me out of commission on good nutrition and fitness. Those are my top starters for the coming year.

I received this Horoscope from Refinery29 in my email today. I'm recording it here so I have a comparison for the end of 2015. I'll be curious to see how things pan out in relation to this prediction.

Libra (September 23 — October 22)
It’s all about who you know in 2015, Libra — and by the time the year is half through, you will have added a lot of people to your friend list. The question is: Are they the right people? While your popularity is expanding faster than Uber’s livery fleet, whose arms can you really trust-fall into? Finding the Kendall to your Kylie could be an important search mission in 2015. A team effort could bring major success nonetheless. You’ll learn important lessons about managing the troops. On April 4, a lunar eclipse in Libra helps you step forward and shine as a star or capable leader. Your hard work could even attract major media attention. Got an idea for an invention, website, or community-improvement project? Bring it to life before August 11 — you might even crowdfund it. This is also a great year for Libra media mavens to self-publish a book, drop an album, or film a documentary. As for amour, a Mars-Venus pairing makes you extra attractive from February 20 to March 17. Strike while the iron is scorching. Your cosmic ruler, Venus, is retrograde from July 25 to September 6, which could bring a lull. Fortunately, Venus will visit your sign from November 8 until December 4, helping you get romance back on track. Watch your words — and your temper — while Mercury is retrograde in Libra from September 17 through October 9. In the fall, make room for the muse! Jupiter slips into your soulful 12th house for a year on August 11. Though your creativity will be super-sized, you’ll need more support from friends — and quiet time to recharge in the last quarter of 2015.

Wake up? Wake up! Wake up.

One of the LinkedIn groups to which I subscribe recently prompted its readers for some discussion on the topic of being confronted by and surviving a wake up call. The Kathy Caprino, the moderator asked, "Have you had a wake up call that changed your life?"

Indeed I have. If you've read my blog in the past you'll know that I explored the years 2010 and 2011 closely in my heart, mind and soul. I have more distance than when I last visited this season of my life and today I was tested again in how I choose to respond to the call.

I attended a workshop at my place of work and as I arrived and started to settle in, so did one of the figures who presented me with a wake up call in the workplace. I am certain that the perspectives on the call vary depending upon the role an individual had. I could sense the tension between us but we cheerfully (yeah) said hello to one another and went our own ways into the workshop venue.

At this time in my life I was managing a series of personal and family crises that I was trying desperately to keep out of the workplace. The individual I saw today in fact pushed me out of the workplace so that I might spend time with my mother who was diagnosed with terminal cancer and subsequently died. The loss of my mom was a wake up call that is deeply personal and not one I am prompted to revisit here. It's the workplace wake up I received, for better or worse at the time that has my attention today.

In a world where I have been a 'better me' I would never have been the person I was at the time of that call. I was embittered, burned out and without compassion as a result of the work environment I was involved. I cannot blame others for how I treated employees, but I can reconsider how I began my journey down a path that was less than satisfying and left bridges burned and feelings hurt while I worked to defend the needs of my employer and the demands of my administrators. Along with bridges I torched much of my personal integrity.

On the day I had to return to work following my forced, but much appreciated in retrospect, leave of absence, I was called to a meeting by the woman I saw today. It appeared on my calendar with no details of what the meeting would entail. I asked for details so might properly prepare for the meeting and was told I could not have them with a curt, "No."

At that moment I was awake. When I entered the meeting the call screamed at me. When I left and in the months subsequent, I was fully awake and on watch, looking for my call to the next phase of my life. I managed to pull together my professionalism and keep working for my employer. I was no longer responsive to my administrators in ways that were not true to who I am. I was strong enough to attempt course correction with those I hurt through my own mistreatment, and remained true to those I had rightfully worked to bring back to course in their own work.

Many of the administration involved are no longer with my employer. We have new leadership for the most part and the interim administrator was moved to another unit on campus where she remains. Every now and then we are at the same events. Each time I feel a little more at ease being in proximity, but I heed the wake up call I received and remain distant, appropriately so as a professional. I know some day I will be called to work with the woman again. At that time I hope that what I have learned about maintaining my integrity will be strong. That the resolve to do what is right will remain.

Challenge - Day 25

As life happens I am not a consistent blogger. So, suffice it to say I'll make a summary here from the last entry until this morning.

I am, evidently, a consistent follower of my plan. I estimate I followed my plan 90% of the time. I didn't keep track that closely. My worst cheat day was two extra handfuls of raw, unsalted almonds in a fit of stress at work.

Results matter, so what are my results on this, the day after completion of the challenge?

A total of 7.75 inches lost around my body. I was disappointed with the numbers last night, but I need to keep remembering that people are noticing my health and shape has changed. They are commenting on weight loss and radiant skin. I have noticed these things too. I think I mentioned I went shopping in my own closet last weekend. I switched from spring / summer to fall / winter clothes. I got rid of *too big* and too shabby. I took clothes to both Goodwill and the local consignment shop. My clothes that went unworn for a year in the great closet hanger turnaround now fit me the way they are supposed to. This alone contributes to people thinking I've lost much more weight than I have. A close friend at work asked (somewhat seriously) if my total weight loss was 'like 50 lbs.' I assured her it was only 24 since April. 24 that I've lost and kept off.

So, the big reveal is this morning's weigh in. My ten day cleanse loss had been 8lbs. That was amazing in my mind for 10 days. I expected big loss for the second phase, the 14 days. I was a little disappointed, but I had no set number for expectation. I lost an additional six pounds. Overall I've done away with 30 pounds of weight in six months. My BMI has gone from 37 to 33. Still 'obese' but so much better. With 19 more pounds loss I will be under 200 lbs...I cannot tell you when I was under that number last. My best guess is junior high school judging by photos of me in high school and jr. high.

So, what have I gained? I have gained energy and a reaffirmed commitment to life. I have a spring in my step and do not get winded climbing stairs in multiple flights now. I have always enjoyed my Spinning workouts at the gym, but now I feel like and do up the intensity as much as possible to stay within the training ranges. I've also been planning my post-challenge binges for about a week now. This morning, I didn't really want to blow that, so I sit with my HBEGGS (hard-boiled eggs) and kiwi berries. I packed my salad for lunch and snacks 'as usual.' I want to keep the weight off. I will let myself have some 'indulgences' but if it goes like last night, it won't be out of control. (A friend at work asked to cook dinner for me between end of day and preparing for a library workshop we needed to observe. It was her shrimp scampi. The recipe was clean save the linguine--it wasn't whole wheat. I went sparingly, probably had a half cup and not more with five large shrimp cooked in garlic, olive oil and lemon with parsley. It was delicious and filling.)

So, I am changed, for the better after this challenge. I encourage anyone to try it but strongly recommend that you are committed from before you begin. I didn't want 'unclean' foods throughout the challenge because I decided that the results would matter. I loved that I could prepare for the week and then spend less than five minutes each day preparing my meals. Shopping in my fridge from the preplanned menus was awesome.

I am to wait ninety days before trying another cleanse according to what I've read. That's roughly 12 weeks, so come January I will be ready (perhaps) to begin another cleanse. I have friends who are starting the program this week. I encourage them to be encouraged. I will support you, listen to you and answer questions from my own perspective. Know that your journey is yours. It's an individual experience like none other. You are in control and you decide what works best for you.

Peace be with you.

Challenge - Days 8/24, 9/24 and 10/24

I can hardly reconcile the ability I've had in staying with the program. Really? 10 days? No starches, no dairy? Who is this girl?

Me. I managed to keep on target and not allow myself to binge when crises have hit. I'm over committed a great deal right now and I'm still making myself do what I need to do. I stepped on and got measured within the last 24 hours. I've lost some inches--and stayed the same in some areas. I've lost a total of 8lbs by the wee early hours of the morning on Day 11! Can you believe it? I do workout, but I'm not a demon about it my any means.

Yesterday was eye opening in many ways. I was at lunch with my best friend at work. She and I sat at a cafe table in the concourse of the library and a fellow employee asked if she could leave her BK bag on our table while getting a paper from the machine. Sure. BK was never my favorite, but when the smell of that bag hit my nose I thought I was going to lose it. IT SMELLED TERRIBLE. I wanted to run away from it. My friend assured me it was only for a minute or two. She was right, but foul, foul odor.

For anyone who is reading along, keep me in your prayers. I've entered my 'burn/refuel' cycle now. I will have no fruit! on some days and that will be hard for me. So far today I really haven't missed the fruit...afterall, I had the luxury of a chocolate meal replacement shake for breakfast. DELIGHTFUL! I've missed ice cream and my beloved Arctic Freeze dessert. having an icy beverage really helped soothe some of the cravings for binge and cheat foods that I've been having.

Since 14 whole days remain now, I see that I'm more than one-third complete. I'll be happy no matter what at the end of the trail even if I maintain what I have now completed and achieved. My goal was a reboot of weight loss and I've broken that dreaded 'mark that cannot be broken,' so now it's up to me to keep up the good work.

The first reading from my devotional today:

Haggai 1:1-8

In the second year of King Darius, on the first day of the sixth month, the word of Yahweh was addressed through the prophet Haggai to Zerubbabel son of Shealtiel governor of Judah and to Joshua son of Jehozadak the high priest as follows, 'Yahweh Sabaoth says this, "This people says: The time has not yet come to rebuild the Temple of Yahweh." '

(And the word of Yahweh was addressed through the prophet Haggai, as follows,)
'Is this a time for you to live in your panelled houses, when this House lies in ruins?
So now, Yahweh Sabaoth says this, "Think carefully about your behaviour.
You have sown much and harvested little; you eat but never have enough, drink but never have your fill, put on clothes but feel no warmth. The wage-earner gets his wages only to put them in a bag with a hole in it." 

Yahweh Sabaoth says this, "Think carefully about your behaviour.
Go up into the hills, fetch timber and rebuild the House; and I shall take pleasure in it and manifest my glory there -- Yahweh says.

Remarkable how we get what we need when we need it. And so it is with my body as a temple. I am rebuilding, and I will be satisfied and have enough.

Challenge: Days 4/24 - 7/24

Having worked full time this past week, and trying to keep up with some family drama and my coursework, I lacked energy or commitment to do my work on staying on track with the challenge AND write about it. Here is a top level summary.

Thursday, also known as Day 4 was without much disruption. We had much to do at work that day. I worked through my lunch for another meeting and also had zero time for getting work off my desk. I worked on details of a poster I'd be co presenting at conference on Sunday in West Lafayette. I managed my snacks, etc., on time.

Friday came with new challenges. It was the celebration for the library building's 50th anniversary and much food and music was on the plan. I did resist the cupcake and other sweets, but Lord knows I wanted a cookie. My veg and almonds held me satisfied though. In the midst of the university librarian's remarks on the occasion I saw Condoleezza Rice sweep through the concourse with her security team. Suspect she had been visiting Fr. Hesburgh. She is tall, thin and beautiful. Yet another dissuasion from the cookie.

Friday night proved more challenging. Our Apple Festival had opened the night before and carnival food was in the air. Nik thawed some less than appealing perch but the sirloin tips were calling my name. I didn't think of it right away but it is likely the tips are rolled in butter, a violation of the no dairy principle under which I operate now. My tummy turned in the middle of the night but thankfully there were no unfortunate outcomes.  I really didn't feel challenged by the sweets and other food. I am still sad that I cannot have mushrooms right now.

Saturday was more of the same, but my parents were on hand with an agenda of the parade and coffee shop along with junk food alley. Still, I held strong and had the ribeye sandwich sans bread. My craving for fried dough was rising when the elephant ear appeared. Thankfully I learned that I had lost well over the week so I fought hard to stay on track. I was early but could not remember if day seven or day eleven was the right time. Day six was used since I didn't have access yo the gym on Sunday.

Sunday was worst. Day seven was not fair. I wanted buttery corn and sweet and salty kettle corn. Wasn't there a way I could buy it and keep it until October ten? Thank you, but no. In fact I did not take money with me to the fest and Nik had only enough for his lunch. I had leftover ginger chicken while preparing my food for the week. I had to pack for my two and a half day symposium, and take my own snacks to stay on plan.