This time last year we were mourning the loss of my father-in-law, yet celebrating his journey to his heavenly rest, and we were still holding on to hope for my mother's peaceful passing from this world as she was home in hospice care for her end stage lung cancer. It wasn't easy then, but I could defer a lot of the pain and sorrow and depression by my activity in caring for her and tempering a searing work situation of my own.
I buckled yesterday to my self pity and sorrow. The fall began in earnest on Sunday, Mother's Day. I cannot say for certain what is wrong with me, only that I need somehow to get through and let go. Did I take a deferral on the sorrow last year? I seriously don't know how to put words to what I feel. Each day I pray for grace and strength to get me through.
And so today, after much prayer throughout the night (thanks be to our dog, scared of a brief, passing storm), I had an encounter during my daily readings. Ps. 143:14 "For he heightens the strength of his people, to the praise of all his faithful, the children of Israel, the people close to him." Yet another lesson in my devotional suggested I need to keep my prayers short, direct, and focused: One will be answered after another. Finally, the radio program I hear between 8:00 and 8:30 on my way to work encouraged me to press on and to leave self pity and depression to the enemy where it belongs. Looking back will only derail my future and weaken my answer to my calling.
So, the question lays unanswered at the moment, "What's the plan?" While I don't have an answer at this time, I will keep focused and pray, Help me, God, to see the way forward, to meet the challenge of your call, and to exceed my earthbound expectations of myself.
